The Hen

After a night of drinking, Ben crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the heck are you?" demanded , "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St.Peter. Ben was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said good-bye to my family.... you've got to send me back right away." St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. "Ben was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad," replies Ben, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," replies Ben. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him ...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, " Ben !! Wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!"

The Old Man and His Shoe

One day an old man boarded a bus. As he was going up the steps, one of his shoes slipped off. The door closed and the bus moved off so he was unable to retrieve it. The old man calmly took off his other shoe and threw it out of the window.

A young man on the bus saw what happened, and could not help going up to the old man and asking, "I noticed what you did, sir. Why did you throw out your other shoe?" The old man promptly replied, "So that whoever finds them will be able to use them." The old man in the story understood a fundamental philosophy for life - do not hold on to something simply for the sake of possessing it or because you do not wish others to have it. We lose things all the time. The loss may seem to us grievous and unjust initially, but loss only happens so that positive changes can occur in our lives. We should not always assume that losing something is bad, because if things do not shift, we'll never become better people or experience better things. That's not to say of course that we only lose "bad" things; it simply means that in order for us to mature emotionally and spiritually, and for us to contribute to the world, the interchange between loss and gain is necessary.

Like the old man in the story, we have to learn to let go. The world had decided that it was time for the old man to lose his shoe. Maybe this happened to add momentum to a series of events leading to a better pair of shoes for the old man. Maybe the search for another pair of shoes would lead the old man to a great benefactor. Maybe the world decided that someone else needed the shoes more. Whatever the reason, we can't avoid losing things. The old man understood this. One of his shoes had gone out of his reach. The remaining shoe would not have been much help to him, but it would be a cherished gift to a homeless person desperately in need of protection from the ground.

Hoarding possessions does nothing to make us or the world better. We all have to decide constantly if some things or people have run their course in our lives or would be better off with others. We then have to master the courage to give them away.

Don't teach your kid the wrong thing

1st Scene.
Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room,right in front of their little son.
Daddy : Oh!!! You Bitch!
Mommy : What?? You Bastard!
Son : Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : It means Ladies and Gentlemen son. Son : Oh I see!

2nd Scene.
Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was reading the papers.
Son : Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mom: It means coats and hats, son.
Son : Oh I see!

3rd Scene.
Daddy was shaving his beard and son passed by; the toilet. Suddenly daddy cut himself and scream...
Daddy : Oh SHIT!!
Son : Daddy, what's shit?
At this moment, Daddy eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say..
Daddy : It means shaving cream, son.
Son : Oh I see!!

4th Scene.
Christmas is approaching, and mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove. The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...
Mommy : Oh! Fuck!
Son : Mommy, what's fuck?
At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy : It means stuffing, son
Son : Oh I see!!

5th Scene.
It's Chrismas Eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all that is uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house. Proudly he said... "Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts and penises at that corner of the house ! My parent are busy at the moment. You see; Daddy is putting shit on his face upstairs and mummy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen. Don't worry they will come out in a minute!!

Everyone fainted!!!!!!!!!!

DiGi

This is a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month, at Shah Alam. Her name is Priya. She was hit by a lorry. She had a boyfriend named Shankar. He lives in Johor. Both of them are true lovers. They are always on the phone with each other. You can never see her without her handphone. She spends ¾ of the day talking with Shankar. Priya's family knows about their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family.

Before she passed away, she always tells her friends, "If I pass away please burn me with my handphone". She also said the same thing to her parents. After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't, everybody had tried to carry the coffin, the result was still the same. Eventually, they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from Thailand named Pak Darin who is a friend of her father's. He took a seat and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "This girl misses something here". Then her friends told Darin bout her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her phone, together with the SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could now be moved and they carried it into the van easily. Everyone was shocked.

Priya's parents didn't inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After 2 weeks, Shankar called Priya's mom.

Shankar: "Atte, I'm coming home today. Please cook something nice for me. Don't tell Priya that I'm coming home today, I want to surprise her."
Her mother replied, "You come home first, I want to tell you something very important."

Once he arrived at Shah Alam, they told him the truth about Priya. Shankar thought that they were fooling around. He was laughing and said, "Don't try to fool me ... tell Priya to come out ... I have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense."

Then they show him the Priya's death certificate as the proof to make him believe. Shankar started to sweat profusely. He said, "It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me." Shankar was shaking so badly when suddenly, his phone rang. "See this is from Priya. See this ....." he showed the phone to Priya's family. All of them told him to answer. He used the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard this conversation, loud and clear. It was Priya's voice! And there was no way others could use her SIM card as it was inside the nailed coffin! They were so shocked and asked for Pak Darin's help.

Pak Darin brought his master (Tok Chen) to solve this matter. He and Pak Darin worked for 5 hours then they discovered one thing .....





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Story of Ah Beng

There was once an Chinese man called Ah Beng who was involved in a terrible car accident. In the hospital, when he gained his consciousness,he called out for the nurse to know what had happened to him.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but you had involved in a very bad car crash"."Car crash! Tiu!!
My Marcelly (aka Mercedes ) !My Marcelly! Is my car allright?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries.You've lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it", she said apologetically.
"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex piu leh!" "Sir, please calm down.
That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition and all your family are here to see you".He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them.
"Wife, are you here?" "I am here husband, and I will never leave you"
"Son, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you"
"Daughter, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Well," said Ah Beng thoughtfully, "if all of you are here,WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING AFTER THE SHOP?!!! TIUNIA SENG!!!"

P.U.S.H

A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.So, this the man did, day after day.

For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock,pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement,the Adversary(Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a Matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True,you haven't moved therock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and toexercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done.

Now I, my friend, will move the rock."At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means,exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong ... just P.U.S.H .! When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H.! When people don't react the way you think they should ..just P.U.S.H.! When your money is "gone" and the bills are due ... just P.U.S.H! When people just don't understand you ... just P.U.S.H.!

P= Pray U= Until S= Something H= Happens

6 Affairs to Remember

AFFAIR ONE

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

AFFAIR TWO

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. A month of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen... He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

AFFAIR THREE

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

AFFAIR FOUR

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

AFFAIR FIVE

A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

AFFAIR SIX

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, " relax, let the poison work."